learning to say no

A Lesson of Womanhood: Learning to say no.

When we are children and we meet new people, parents will say, ‘Go on, give him a hug and say hello! Don’t be rude!’ And through repeated interactions such as this, women in particular learn that their bodies are not their own, that the instincts we feel should be ignored, and instead we should appease others, as not to damage their feelings. 

For a long time, I thought that I had to do what people in positions of authority instructed me. When I was 18, and first got a job, I worked for both men and women, and most of them abused my naivety. Whether this meant asking me to work later than scheduled, cutting my tips in half because I wasn’t as ‘experienced’ as everyone else (but did the same amount of work), or assumed that it was okay for me to continue working while other employees could stop working to drink instead.

For a short while, I thought that sex needed to accommodate men’s needs, and I very quickly learnt that most men didn’t have that same perception. So, I adopted their carefree attitude to sex, and men who I was seeing casually suddenly wanted something more than casual. And I realised it was because I was confident in what I wanted, and I wasn’t willing to accommodate them in the way most women (including myself) are taught to.

Then I learnt that this sense of independence and confidence is only hot for so long. Men became threatened by it in long term relationships, and felt the need to minimise it in different ways. Whether it was telling me not to be so loud, not to enter debates too much, or straight up gaslighting me, they’d try to make me small and quiet.

So here I am, being punished for be small and meek, then celebrated for being big and strong, then being punished for staying big and strong. And then what? Continue being impacted by the extent a man’s ego is threatened by me? Is that who I am? A woman whose sense of self is defined by the validation of others?

When people tell me I’m too loud, I say No, I’m not loud enough. My voice is naturally ignored in meetings, even when it’s sharing better ideas. So, No, I will not be quiet. I’ve been quiet for long enough. I’m just not afraid to say No to people anymore. Bosses, health professionals, colleagues and customers. If they ask something that I don’t like or agree with, I don't feel any guilt in saying No.