Fight Right
“When you choose a partner, you choose a perpetual problem.”
Every relationship has a perpetual problem. There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. So one of the most sustainable things you can do to ensure the longevity of a relationship, is to learn how to fight right. Or at least better.
According to Dr. John Gottman, relationship researcher and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, there are a few things you can do to improve conflict.
Throughout this article, I’ll be referring to the four communication mistakes we are all susceptible to making, which you can catch up on here.
Fight Right Tip 1: Soften your start-up.
How a conversation starts, predicts how it will end.
A harsh start-up sounds like “Are you kidding me? I have asked you three times to put the laundry away! Why isn’t it done yet?” (Criticism)
This will usually generate a defensive response, like “Stop nagging me! God you’re uptight (contempt). It’s not like you’re perfect (criticism), your dirty dishes are still in the sink (defensiveness).”
A harsh start-up often invites the four horsemen into communication, which act as effective communication barriers. It also leads to our sympathetic nervous systems being activated, and entering a stress response.
According to Stan Tatkin, neuroscientist, researcher, and couples therapist; being activated like this isn’t conducive to effective communication, and it can do damage to our sense of secure functioning.
Secure functioning in a relationships is the idea of true collaboration. It’s reframing you versus me, to us versus the problem.
Ideally, we’d like to see a soft start-up. This means starting the conversation gently, respectfully, and without the four horsemen.
Soft start-up ideas:
Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Take responsibility where you can.
Complain without blame, and state a positive need.
Describe what is happening without judgment or blame.
Use respectful language. “Please”, “I would appreciate it.”
So it sounds something like:
“Hey, can we talk about the laundry? (Polite). I’m feeling really frustrated that it hasn’t been put away yet (I statement), although I know I could have asked you sooner (taking responsibility). I would feel less stressed if you could do the laundry (positive need). I really appreciate you helping around the house(appreciation).”
If you, or your partner are prone to harsh start-ups, practice making their feelings known, showing them respect, and being willing to accept influence.
“I hear you’re feeling frustrated by the fact the laundry hasn’t been done (acknowledgement). You have asked me several times, and I could have been better at acting on it (responsibility). These aren’t fun tasks for either of us, so I will make sure to do it tonight after work (complain without blame, accountability).
Fight Right Tip 2: Send and receive repair attempts.
Saying something like, “You’re right, you have asked me to do the laundry several times” is an example of what we call a repair attempt. This helps to de-escalate tensions, and allow everyone to be more receptive to finding a solution.
For repair attempts to be effective, we need to be receptive to them. They require both the person offering the repair attempt, and the other accepting it.
According to John Gottman, repair attempts can feel unnatural at first, but with time can be the key to repairing conflict in a relationship that prevents further damage occurring. It may be easier to start practicing giving and receiving repair attempts in low-conflict arguments first, so you have the capacity to effectively receive them.
Fight Right Tip 3: Soothe Yourselves.
When arguments happen, there will be changes that happen to your body. You might feel tension, tightness, raise your voice, change your tone, clench your fists, or gesture in other ways.
It is not ideal to argue in this state according to Stan Tatkin, author of ‘Your Brain on Love’. This is because we have entered a stress response (fight/flight), and can’t effectively communicate if our partner is the ‘threat’. It opposes the idea of secure functioning established earlier.
Instead, both Gottman and Tatkin encourage taking a break before becoming overwhelmed.
This requires taking a 20-30 minute break to regulate yourself, and calm down. You can focus on the positive of the relationship, go for a walk, practice deep breathing or other mindfulness. This is not the time to ruminate over what was said.
Research by Tatkin has also shown regulating is more effective when done with another person. You can put a song on and dance around, laugh together, or embrace in a hug, and sway from side to side.
It’s helpful to consider the following:
What does it look and feel like when I get activated?
What does it look and feel like when you get activated?
What topics lead us to become activated quickly?
What will it sound like if we decide to take a break? e.g. “I’m feeling worked up. I think we need to take a break. Let’s come back to this in 30 minutes.”
Fight Right Step 4: Accept Influence
We will always be different in the way we think, feel, and express compared to others. These differences can lead to tension and disagreements.
Another reality is that we will always develop and change, and so will our partners.
According to Gottman, and important part of communication with partners is allowing yourself to be influence by them. It helps to be open to suggestions to do, or manage things differently.
Shifting our communication requires slowing things down, and practicing. Don’t be disheartened if it’s difficult, it’s supposed to be. But with time, and teamwork, communication and conflict can improve to be effective.
