Why BDSM practice is better than mainstream sex.

Pleasuresex
Written By Aleksandra Trkulja

This blog is based on a research paper I wrote in my sexology post grad. In this blog adaption, I’m going to introduce you to the subculture of BDSM, and why its features actually make for safer sexual culture than mainstream sex.

Bondage, discipline, dominance, submissive, sadism and masochism (BDSM), is a term that describes a variety of sexual and non-sexual behaviours [1]. BDSM is broadly understood as a framework to explore the dynamics in power, eroticism, and sensation [1,2].

BDSM is a subculture founded on people having cultural values that diverge from the mainstream [4]. The nature of subcultures are mysterious to those who identify within mainstream cultures, which is often why they become stigmatised. What we don’t know, we fear.

BDSM practice gained visibility in the media with the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey. Millions of people were exposed to a story that portrayed a couple navigating a BDSM relationship, where the male character is depicted as damaged, and BDSM is a central aspect of his personality/identity [4]. The female character is portrayed as passive, her consent around BDSM practice is blurred, and she embodies problematic stereotypes about female sexuality [9].

Fifty shades exposed the mainstream to an inaccurate portrayal of the BDSM subculture [2]. Research on BDSM practice concluded that BDSM practitioners considered their practice important, but not central to their identities. And that consent, boundaries and communication were central to their BDSM practice [4].

Artist: eyes.eddie

So why do people judge BDSM? Research from Swedish society shows us that BDSM hasn’t been normalised within society, and threatens the notion of ‘good sexuality’, which is defined as monogamous and heterosexual [3]. Sweden seems chill and progressive, so if they’re yucking the BDSM yum, how in the hell are more conservative societies viewing BDSM?

But this research has a point, BDSM practice is different to our mainstream ‘vanilla’ sex. BDSM practice includes the notion that orgasm was not necessary to consider a session satisfactory because eroticism could be explored through a variety of pathways. A session could generate both sexual and non-sexual positive outcomes. The BDSM relationship required trust and precise knowledge of one’s own, and the other’s needs. And BDSM practitioners demonstrated a commitment to ongoing empathetic communication [12].

A feature of BDSM that I think it powerful, is how the body is used to express. In BDSM, the body is provided with a platform so exist openly, that is without oppressive expectation of the body to be restrained, beautiful or flawless. In a culture where bodies are closed, the BDSM subculture creates a space that allows for open, flawed, humiliated, unrestrained bodies; a place to explore taboo and express emotion [1].

Artist: Metricula

The motto Safe, Sane Consensual (SSC) represents core features of BDSM practice [5, 11, 15]. These included; consensus on the roles played as submissive/dominant, use of a safe word that represents withdrawal of consent throughout practice, flexibility in roles as dominant or submissive, and pleasure as bidirectional [5, 11]. SSC practice requires each member to take responsibility by negotiating their own personal limits and boundaries, and holding others accountable to the same respectful practice [15]. There is also a distinction between hurt, and harm. Hurt is considered desirable, arousing and enjoyable. However, harm is negative, something that causes damage and to be avoided [15].

Because BDSM practice is founded upon the values of safety, consent, communication, and eroticism; I think it creates a clearly defined container for sexual and non-sexual experiences to occur. More often than not, the cis, het, monogamous folk I talk to would not be able to say their mainstream sex lives are as clearly defined and communicated.

References & further reading

  1. Carlström C. BDSM, Interaction Rituals and Open Bodies. Sexuality & Culture. 2017;22(1):209-19.

  2. Bezreh T, Weinberg T, Edgar T. BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education. American Journal of Sexuality Education. 2012;7(1):37-61.

  3. Carlström C. BDSM – the antithesis of good Swedish sex? Sexualities. 2018;22(7-8):1164-81.

  4. Drdová L, Saxonberg S. Dilemmas of a subculture: An analysis of BDSM blogs about Fifty Shades of Grey. Sexualities. 2019;23(5-6):987-1008.

  5. Faccio E, Casini C, Cipolletta S. Forbidden games: the construction of sexuality and sexual pleasure by BDSM 'players'. Cult Health Sex. 2014;16(7):752-64.

  6. Kelsey K, Stiles BL, Spiller L, Diekhoff GM. Assessment of therapists’ attitudes towards BDSM. Psychology & Sexuality. 2013;4(3):255–267. doi:10.1080/19419899.2012.655255

  7. Meeker C, McGill CM, Rocco TS. Navigation of Feminist and Submissive Identity by Women in the BDSM Community: A Structured Literature Review. Sexuality & Culture. 2019;24(5):1594-618.

  8. Pascoal PM, Cardoso D, Henriques R. Sexual satisfaction and distress in sexual functioning in a sample of the BDSM community: a comparison study between BDSM and non-BDSM contexts. J Sex Med. 2015;12(4):1052-61.

  9. Barker M. Consent is a grey area? A comparison of understandings of consent in Fifty Shades of Grey and on the BDSM blogosphere. Sexualities. 2013;16(8):896-914.

  10. Taormino T. 50 shades of kink: An introduction to BDSM. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press. 2014.

  11. Mueller M. If all acts of love and pleasure are Her rituals, what about BDSM? Feminist culture wars in contemporary Paganism. Theology & Sexuality. 2017;24(1):39-52.

  12. Faccio E, Sarigu D, Iudici A. What is it Like to Be a BDSM Player? The Role of Sexuality and Erotization of Power in the BDSM Experience. Sexuality & Culture. 2020;24(5):1641-52.

  13. Cruz A. Beyond black and blue: BDSM, Internet pornography, and Black female sexuality. Feminist Studies. 2015;41(2):409–436.

  14. Carlstrom C. BDSM, becoming and the flows of desire. Cult Health Sex. 2019;21(4):404-15.

  15. Holt K. Blacklisted: Boundaries, Violations, and Retaliatory Behavior in the BDSM Community. Deviant Behavior. 2016;37(8):917-30.

  16. Williams, DJ, Thomas JN, Prior EE, Amezquita C, Hall D. Social Work Practice with Clients that Enjoy Participation in Consensual BDSM: Identifying and Applying Strengths. Journal of Positive Sexuality. 2017;3(1): 12–20.

  17. Simula BL. A “different economy of bodies and pleasures”?: Differentiating and evaluating sex and sexual BDSM experiences. Journal of Homosexuality. 2017;66(2):209–237. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2017.1398017.

  18. Luminais M. Stating Desire: Sexuality, the State and Social Control. Pp. 31–44. in Selves, Symbols, and Sexualities, 2015, edited by T. S. Weinberg and S. Newmahr. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

  19. Chatterjee BB. Pay v UK, the probation service and consensual BDSM sexual citizenship. Sexualities. 2012;15(5–6):739–757.

  20. Prior EE. Women's perspectives of BDSM power exchange (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission). The electronic journal of human sexuality. 2013;16.

  21. Tsaros A. Consensual non-consent: Comparing EL James’s Fifty Shades of Grey and Pauline Réage’s Story of O. Sexualities. 2013;16(8):864-79.

  22. Rogak HME, Connor JJ. Practice of consensual BDSM and relationship satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. 2017;33(4):454-69.

  23. Romaioli D, Faccio E. “When Therapists do not know what to do: Informal Types of Eclecticism in Psychotherapy.” Research in Psychotherapy: Psychopathology, Process and Outcome. 2012;15(1): 10–21.

  24. Sand L. Removing Judgement: Discussing BDSM in Adult Sexuality Education. American Journal of Sexuality Education. 2019;14(2):258-67.

Aleksandra Trkulja
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