Abusive Relationships

CW: This blog contains descriptions of abusive relationships and statistics about sexual, domestic and family violence.

An abusive relationship is an incident or pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, and/or violent behaviour.

In Australia, intimate partner violence is considered a national health crisis.

This is because:

• 1 woman is killed every 6-7 days by an intimate partner.

• 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 6 men experience emotional abuse.

• 1 in 5 women, and 1 in 25 men experience sexual violence.

A lot of people think abuse looks like physical or sexual abuse, where someone is physically touching someone in a way they are not comfortable with. But abuse can happen without touch. And it’s really important for people to understand what qualifies as abuse, considering how horribly common it is.

Psychological and Emotional Abuse includes:

• Gaslighting: Convincing someone their experience is invalid.

• Victim blaming: blaming the victim for the perpetrators behaviour.

• Intimidation and threats.

• Belittle or humiliating someone.

• Withholding affection.

• Stalking.

Physical Abuse includes:

• Physical violence.

• Choking/Strangulation: which is a strong indicator for violence and murder.

• Pushing.

• Holding down.

Sexual Abuse includes:

• Forcing sexual acts.

• Coercing sex through manipulation or threats.

• Sex without consent- assault, rape.

• Refusing safer sex practices (like using condoms).

• Disregarding sexual boundaries.

• Criticising or belittling a partner's sexual performance.

Financial Abuse includes:

• Controlling all the finances.

• Accounting for every cent spent.

• Forcing someone to contribute their income to the abusers account.

• Withholding money or basic necessities.

• Taking out loans or credit cards under a partners name, for personal use.

Reproductive Abuse includes:

• Forcing a partner to have an abortion or continue an unwanted pregnancy.

• Sabotaging birth control methods.

• Refusing to use protection during sex.

• Forcing a partner to undergo sterilisation (vasectomy, tube tying, hysterectomy).

Sexual coercion is unfortunately a very common experience that I hear many clients relating to in private practice.

Sexual coercion is the use of pressure, manipulation, or force to make someone engage in sexual activity without consent.

It looks like:

• Verbal threats: “If we don't have sex, I'm leaving you.”

• Physical violence.

• Emotional manipulation: “You'd have sex with me if you loved me.”

• Using drugs and alcohol to incapacitate someone.

If you have sex to:

• Avoid an argument.

• To diffuse their anger/temper.

• Because it's easier than saying No.

• Make sure they don't leave you.

• Distract them from getting angry at others (children).

• Prove you haven't cheated/love them after being accused.

It's not consent. It's sexual coercion.

If you relate to any of these experience, and would like further support, here is a list of resources.

1800FULLSTOP 1800 385 578 (24/7 trauma-specialist counsellors)
1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 (24/7 support)
NSW Domestic Violence Helpline 1800 656 463
NSW Sexual Violence Helpline 1800 424 017 (24/7 trauma-specialist counsellors)
Lifeline 13 11 14

References:

https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/domestic-violence/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence#common

https://safeandequal.org.au/understanding-family-violence/statistics/#