The four predictors of relationship failure, and their antidotes.
According to Relationship Experts.
John and Julie Gottman are the creators of the Gottman Institute, an empire of research and therapy that aims to understand what makes for lasting relationships.
Through the decades of research conducted on couples, they identified four negative communication habits that lead to relationship breakdown and failure, and called them the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Fore-warning, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t default to these communication strategies. So there is no shame in relating to one or all of them. The important take-away from this article is to recognise you can do things differently to improve your communication in relationships.
The first horseman is criticism.
Criticism attacks the character of the other person, and does not focus on a specific behaviour.
It sounds like:
“You’re so selfish!”
“You never listen to me!”
The antidote to criticism according to the Gottman’s includes:
Talk about your feeling using “I” statements.
Express a positive need.
This sounds like;
“I feel hurt and unheard right now, what I need is to know that you’re listening to what I’m saying.”
“I feel excluded right now, what I need is for you to consider me more in this decision.”
The second horseman is defensiveness.
Self defence is self-protection through playing the victim. It never solves the problem, and is often an underhanded way of blaming your partner.
This sounds like;
“It’s not my fault we’re always late!”
The antidote to defensiveness according to the Gottman’s is to accept responsibility, even if for part of the conflict.
This sounds like;
“We’re often late, but I recognise I could be more organised when I know we’ve got these events to go to.”
The third horsemen is contempt.
Contempt is an expression of superiority that looks like sarcasm, mockery, hostile humour, name-calling, eye rolling, cynicism and sneering. It is the greatest predictor of relationship failure.
This sounds like;
“You’re an idiot.”
“Why are you so stupid?
The antidote to contempt according to the Gottman’s is to treat one another with respect, and build a culture of appreciation within the relationship.
This sounds like;
“I appreciate you’re trying right now.”
“I can see this is difficult, I’m feeling frustrated too. I think we’re just trying our best.”
The fourth horsemen is stonewalling.
Stonewalling is when someone withdraws from the conversation without resolving anything.
Stonewalling can be a negative communication strategy that evolves after some accumulated experience of the first three horsemen. It can also become a communication habit.
This looks like;
The cold shoulder.
Walking away.
Ignoring people while they’re talking.
The antidote to stonewalling according to the Gottman’s is to take a break for 20 minutes. Use this time to regulate yourself, and calm down. Then return to the conversation.
This sounds like;
“I’m really worked up right now, we’re not getting anywhere. Let’s take a break and finish this conversation in 20 minutes.”
