How to build sexual intimacy
Using an intimacy list
What is intimacy? And how can we cultivate it? Whether you’re single & making new connections, a new, or well established couples; many people report difficulty navigating intimacy.
Intimacy is a form of connection composed of feelings, actions, and shared experiences. It does not just represent sexually explicit behaviours shared between one or more people. Intimacy can be sexual, emotional, physical, and psychological.
image: @blueboyphoto
Barriers to intimacy can include:
Issues around communication: not listening or feeling heard.
Emotional needs: a lack of emotional safety in the relationship e.g. not clarifying the parameters of the relationship.
Practical challenges: like experiencing stress due to work, money, health, family etc.
Psychological hesitance: having negative past experiences of being vulnerable as a child, teenager, or adult which creates trust issues.
Sexual context: potentially a combination of all the above.
Specific contexts that sexual intimacy can be difficult include:
When someone has a history of trauma
When couples have different levels of desire/libido
When someone’s mental health is suffering
When someone experiences performance anxiety
When someone is identifies as inexperienced
It is often the case that when couples have fostered intimacy, there is less focus on their sex life. However when couples report feeling ‘distanced’ from one another, a lot of focus is placed on their sex life, and how sexually dissatisfied they are.
So how do we create more intimacy with our partner/s?
We can start with the non-sexual forms of intimacy, because this requires less pressure, and often facilitates the connection that can foster arousal and desire.
image: @blueboyphoto
Build emotional and psychological connection:
Talk to each other. Ask about your partners day.
Listen to each other’s needs. And integrate this.
Cry with each other. Care and nurture each other.
Learn new things about your partner by asking open ended questions.
Free Resource! Use the Gottman Card Decks, a free app that can guide you through questions, and topics to help build emotional and psychological intimacy.
Build physical connection:
Spend quality time together doing shared interests or hobbies like cooking, watching movies.
Be physically available to help your partner with household chores.
Do enjoyable activities together like walking, listening to music, playing games.
Learn a new skill together, like doing a pottery class, dance class, new form of exercise, or learn a new recipe.
Spend time together to discuss life admin like work, health, finances etc.
Figure 1
To foster sexual intimacy without getting overwhelmed, try building an Intimacy list.
Figure 1 is an example of what a monogamous intimacy list looks like. Within the list that each partner writes, there will often be at least a few activities that both have in common.
This is where you can start- with the activities you have both identified you are comfortable with.
For this couple, it includes cuddling and kissing on the couch, having a shower together, massage, a date night with wine & games, cooking, massage/stroking, hand stuff, and mutual masturbation.
You do not have to work your way through all of them in one interaction, but begin to explore the things you’ve identified as willing to do, and re-evaluate however frequently after that.
Building intimacy is not something that randomly occurs, it can involve a conscious effort from all parties. The more considered, the more it shows a person is invested in their intimate relationship.
