Sex and Relationship Problems: How to Seek Help

Sometimes when there’s an issue in your intimate life, it can be hard to consider seeking help beyond your friends/family/internet. Sex and relationship issues are thought to be high, but people are hesitant in seeking help.

It has been reported that although sexual health is high on our priority list, the issues of sex and relationships tends to be overshadowed. Mostly by topics like STI’s and underage pregnancy.

Stressful events, non-sexual and otherwise, can all create problems in relationships that often permeate into the bedroom.

When you’re stressed simple things like getting a good nights sleep and remembering to eat well are neglected while your body releases cortisol to keep you alert. In the mean time you become fatigued, anxious and often depressed. It’s incredibly difficult to carry these symptoms into an successful intimate situation.

So if the chances are the majority of people are experiencing relationship and sexual problems at some point in time, why are we all avoiding talking about it?

A piece of research I came across suggests there are four common themes to people’s sex and relationship help-seeking behaviours, good & bad (Fitter, Hayter & Wylie, 2009).

1. Relationship Characteristics:

• sexual difficulty (like premature ejaculation) impacted the intimate relationship, creating distress or conflict which influenced a person to finally seek help.

2. Context:

• Do you talk about sex in a safe environment?

• What are the circumstances in which sex/ relationship problems exist?

• Life stresses (jobs, illness, children, money etc.)

In the study, every sex or relationship problem was identified in the context of the persons other life events. Sex and relationship problems don’t occur separately, they are inter-related with other issues.

3. Perception of the Problem:

Different people will perceive their problems in different ways. This includes:

• not understanding the problem (not knowing you have a sexual dysfunction),

• difficulty in defining the problem as physical, psychological or relational,

• perceiving it in terms of depression or anxiety,

• or that it simply wasn’t medical and therefore couldn’t be brought up with a doctor

4. Professional Approachability: (doctors/ nurses/ psychologists/ counsellors/ gynaecologists/psychiatrists)

In this study, the researchers noted that it wasn’t just the pro-activeness of the participants, but also how receptive their health professionals were.

They found that the major concerns noted by the participants are also simultaneously the reasons why Sex Therapist’s are best at addressing sex and relationship problems. 

People were concerned a professional wasn’t approachable. Whomever you choose to go to, make sure they  have a certain amount of openness and non-judgment about them to create a safe environment for you to talk.

Sometimes you and your health professional won’t be the perfect match, and that’s okay! A health professional will always be happy to refer you to someone else, and if the topics sex and relationships, ask if they know a sex therapist. 

A health professional should always take the problem seriously, show you empathy and concern for your well-being. 

In previous articles I’ve discussed at length how our social context influences our sexual difficulties (read here, here & here). This includes how our sexual functioning and behaviour can often become ‘medicalised’. If somebody throws pills at you after a ten minute conversation, find a better doctor/nurse/counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist.

Don’t feel alone, even the process of seeking the care you need can be disrupted by factors like anxiety, stigma, lack of resources, lack of confidence or bad previous experiences. If you feel this way, talk to a friend or family member to go with you for moral support, or do some research until you find a health professional you like.