Performance Anxiety
The destroyer of erections and orgasms
sculpture by: Yoan Capote @yoancapote
Performance anxiety is a preoccupation with one’s perceived performance during sex, which distracts from the enjoyment that might be getting from the sexual interaction.
It is usually in regards to erectile function, ability to reach orgasm, or body image concerns. And can directly impact arousal and desire. This is because anxiety redirects our focus away from what is pleasurable and instead focuses on what might go wrong.
As we explored in previous blogs, anxiety is the worry about a perceived threat, and is often experienced with some pretty uncomfortable physical symptoms.
Performance anxiety can be maintained by a cycle of avoidance (see our blog). This usually involves a difficult or negative experience where anxiety was first experienced, and where anxious symptoms occurred. Some avoidance behaviours can creep in, like avoiding sex altogether. A subtle form of avoidance is safety behaviours, which might include things like using Viagra to manage anxiety about erections, or faking it to manage the stress of performing an orgasm.
In sex therapy, we work with performance anxiety by addressing the underlying beliefs that might fuel this cycle. Beliefs might sound something like; “I need a full erections otherwise I can’t satisfy my partner”, or “my partner expects me to orgasm, and if I don’t they’ll feel inadequate.”
We also work with thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that act to fuel the cycle. This is drawn from a cognitive-behavioural therapeutic framework.
Thoughts sounds like “I didn’t get an erection/have an orgasm last time, which means I probably won’t get one this time.” There are skills people can learn in therapy to help challenge or manage these intrusive thoughts.
Feelings such as anxiety, stress, or worry often arise in response to these thoughts. A number of strategies are taught to clients to regulate their emotions in the moment.
And the safety behaviours that present are managed through exposure work, which include removing the safety behaviour and practicing using skills and strategies instead. This also involves communication coaching and development to help build safety for sexual interactions.
sculpture: Andrew Smith @andysculptor
Lastly, performance anxiety is incredibly common. We live in a sex-negative society, where we were never taught how to navigate consent, sexual preferences/needs, communicate, and debrief. These are things that often need to be learnt. If this is something you feel resonates, and is potentially impacting your sexual satisfaction, book a free 15 minute consultation to discuss it further by clicking here.
