11 Relationships Facts
(according to Stan Tatkin)
Stan Tatkin is an author, clinician, and research at The University of California. He is also the found of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT).
In his book, ‘Your Brain on Love’, we shares 11 fact on relationships based on his extensive research and experience.
#1 There is nothing more difficult than another person. Nothing.
Tatkin observes that people are hard, especially the one’s we love. This is because they’re complex beings, and this makes navigating relationships with them very difficult.
I agree with this observation, when you consider how intricate our experiences can be, and the fusion of those things in relationships dynamics.
#2 All people are, by nature, annoying. There’s no getting around that.
Tatkin also states that ultimately people are irritating, which has to do with different minds, feelings, intentions and goals.
He observes that when we’re in a primary attachment relationship with someone, we’re going to at some point find them annoying, and they’ll find us annoying too.
I think this is a really validating observation, and a reminder that no one is perfect, and neither are you.
#3 There is no such thing as a low maintenance person.
Tatkin notices that people can look low maintenance from afar, but once you marry them, and live with them; they’re no longer low maintenance. That our relationships with friends, colleagues, siblings, may seem easy. But if you couple with one of them, you’ll eventually find out that they too, are not low maintenance.
I think this is a simple but brilliant observations, especially for those that are prone to considering if the grass is greener on the other side.
#4 Romantic relationships are burdensome.
Tatkin observes that when we’re dependent on someone, and they’re dependent on us, people become burdens, and we become burdens. And that accepting this makes relationships much easier.
Tatkin suggests updating vows to “I take you as a pain in my ass”. Which I naturally adore.
What I think is helpful about this relationships fact, is that it reworks our expectations of modern relationships are being easy, or without challenge. It is a realistic reminder of the true nature of love relationships.
#5 In love relationships, nobody comes pre-trained.
Tatkin states that partners need to train each other by giving one another their trainers manual, to understand how the other person works.
I love this concept, because no matter how much therapy you have done, how many relationships you’ve been in; the relationship you have with your partner will be unique, and will require patience and learning. That’s not to say your experience isn’t valuable, it just means there’s always more to learn!
#6 The need to be parented never ends.
Tatkin notes the important of continuing to parent each other throughout life. And that it is one of the jobs in romantic partnerships that is burdensome.
I found this to be an interesting concept, but an important example of taking responsibility, and committing to all components of love relationships.
#7 Romantic partners are responsible for each others past.
Tatkin noted that when we commit to a relationships, we tend to inherit our partners past.
That partners become proxies for everyone that came before, and are naturally projected upon.
He suggests that instead of saying ‘you’re projecting that from your last relationships’, that instead we take responsibility and say ‘I’m sorry’.
This fact was the hardest for me to digest, because a lot of therapy is about recognising projection, and taking responsibility where you can. At the same time, I think it could be quite healing for a partner if we were to recognise a tendency to personalise, and instead allow them the space and take responsibility with them.
What do you think?
#8 Most of the time we don’t know what we’re doing or why.
Tatkin talks a lot on the neurobiological components of relating. He says we have an automatic brain that operates over 90% of the time doing most of our tasks. This is called procedural memory, and it allows us not to think about things less, and conserve brain energy for new tasks.
Tatkin believes this is a problem in relationships. Because we act, and react quickly, and automatically. And most of the time we don’t know what we’re doing, and why we’re doing it.
#9 What we don’t know, we make up.
Tatkin noted that the confabulatory part of the brain likes to fill the gaps where we lack information. He says it happens really fast.
Apparently the brain doesn’t like not knowing, so the brain makes it up based on memory. I find this super fascinating! And now I’m curious to know how much others, and myself have made up!
#10 Our brains are built more so for war, than for love.
Tatkin noted that our brains are structured to pick up threat and danger in the environment, as a survival mechanism. We pick up sounds, gestures, contexts, words, and phrases.
He observes that this is where couples get into trouble, because they don’t know how easy it is be threatened, or threatening.
A further challenge is that we’re quick to form negative memories, and not as quick to form positive memories. Which mean’s we're more likely to remember the threatneing things our partners do.
#11 To thrive in the world, we need to be tethered to at least one other person.
Western culture is highly individualistic, but according to Tatkin, this goes against our nature.
He notes that to cope with challenges alone, we will rely on addictions, or things that change our state to make us feel better.
Or we will use relationships, which can act like medication. Tatkin observes that having someone to be tethered too can be medication for anxiety and depression, as they act as a secure base.
