Shame and the Inner-Critic
The function of shame and how to engage with it
Shame is a natural human emotion. We are born with the knowledge that our lives depend on being accepted by our tribe, family, or community.
Shame is an emotion that motivates people to change in some way to reconnect with others, or to feel socially disconnected so that they will do something that allows them to reconnect with their tribe.
The evolutionary value of shame is to protect us from rejection from our community. Shame makes us want to hide whatever it is that might make someone kick us out.
Marsha Linehan (creator of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) would prompt us to consider- Is shame justified? Does your experience of shame fit the facts of the situation? Will you actually get rejected?
People will often interpret something someone else did to them (a critical parent, a perpetrator of sexual assault), as something that reflects how bad they were, or how they were at fault.
Shame makes you avoid things, like yourself and others. To prevent feelings of rejection, we develop an inner-critic, usually as a child when we are young and vulnerable. The voice of the inner-critic can often take on the voice, or language of a caregiver.
This inner-critic desperately tries to keep us from getting shamed from the outside world by reminding us of the characteristics we embody that others might reject. It is driven by shame that tells the individual they are ‘bad’, or ‘worthless’.
This view of self can lead to a vicious cycle. The inner critic is an unrelenting bully, and people will often cope with an excess of sex, drugs, alcohol, work, eating, or anger. This coping attracts shame from the outside world, which further fuels the inner-critic.
The inner-critic is incredible fearful. It does not allow the individual to feel better, as there is vulnerability, and risk of judgement in this process. Shame thrives on secrecy, in the darkness of your own inner world.
To begin to engage with shame, notice where you feel it in your body. Stephen Porges (research of the polyvagal theory) argues that shame is often felt below the diaphragm, because the biological response to shame is often similar to a life threat. It activates the nervous system in a way that people can become immobilised, or numb. You might notice your posture changing, or your body trying to shrink and disappear.
To continue to engage shame, ground yourself through your five senses. This might seem too simple, but the research shows that it helps to activate your nervous system, and keep you present. Wiggle your toes, take 3 deep breaths, straighten your spine.
Shame is a difficult emotion, and can be triggered very easily across various components of our experiences. While it’s uncomfortable, it is worth learning how to manage it.
