Queering Sex

Queering sex will be one of the most liberating acts within your sexual career.

image: @kamillacollages

We are all conditioned to think of sex through a heteronormative lens. What I mean by this is, heterosexual partnerships have been normalised throughout history, and across multiple societies and cultures. 

Heteronormativity is when heterosexuality is considered the ‘norm’. And because of this, we are raised with an increased exposure to heterosexual relationships, which further perpetuates our belief that it is the norm. 

But the kind of heterosexual relationships and sex we have been exposed to is usually limited, and prescriptive. 

We often experience what I like to call the ‘heteronormative choreography of sex’. We learn from modern media that sex has particular steps, or stages. And that it ultimately leads to orgasm and/or ejaculation.

This choreography often includes steps such as; kissing, touching, maybe oral sex, penetration, orgasm and ejaculation. 

I notice that some people’s sex choreo has less steps. It might look like kissing, penetration, and ejaculation.

Another observation is that people don’t seem to talk about their sex choreo. It’s like we all reached an age where we found people we liked, and we non-verbally merged our socially constructed choreographies in the hopes it led to the outcome of orgasm, ejaculation, and overall sexual satisfaction.  

And so an issue arises, in that we all assume everyone else knows the dance. So we do the dance, but it’s not always satisfying.

image: joyceartworks

Another barrier to this prescriptive approach to sex is that it doesn’t accommodate for
variation in sexual needs. I don’t see or hear the regular use of toys in this choreo, which is often a necessary resource for some people’s pleasure.

Heteronormativity is dangerous in what it implies for our sexual experiences, which is that there are strict steps, and these steps must happen every time for our experiences to qualify as ‘real sex’. 

For example, think about a time a friend said they had sex. What sexual behaviours do you imagine in your minds eye occurred? Does it include something similar to the heteronormative choreography of sex I described earlier? Does it include penetration?

Now think about why you believe that qualifies as ‘real sex’? Where did you learn that? Do you even believe it to be true? 

If so, what does this mean for queer folk who don’t experience penetration of a penis in a vagina? Are they all ‘virgins’? I doubt it…

The heteronormative choreography of sex represents only one dynamic of many sexual dynamics that exist. So it’s time we challenge it’s influence over us. 

Now allow me to introduce Queer Theory.

Queer Theory is a framework that aims to subvert the norm. By subverting the norm, we may be able to create social change that is more inclusive of those experiences and identities outside of heteronormativity. And now we get to Queering things, including your sex life. 

How does one queer their sex life? SO glad you asked.

image: joyceartworks

Here are my suggestions on how to Queer your sex life. 

1… Identify the attitudes and beliefs that are entrenched within heteronormativity.

You can do this by reflecting on the questions listed above on what you consider ‘real sex’ to be.

2… Turn sex from a menu, to a buffet.

If the heteronormative choreo is limited and prescriptive, it can be a lot like a menu, with one entree, one main, and one dessert. Instead, consider sex as a buffet of different behaviours. 

This can be anything from kissing, dry humping, fingering, spanking, mutual masturbation, penetration, outercourse (cunnilingus, fellatio), tantric practices, power play, bondage, toys etc. (I’ll write something up on sexual repertoire soon). 

Imagine yourself taking a tray with your sexual partner/s, and considering what you’d like to have off this extensive buffet.

3… Have an erotic discussion. 

Create a context to discuss sex in a natural way. It doesn’t have to be weird!! Just sit down, and confidently talk about the sex you’d like to have. 

You can describe what you might be fantasising about, what you’d like to happen in this particular sexual interaction, how you’d like to be touched, or how you’d like to touch another. 

You might also discuss the dynamic you want (e.g. power play, dom/sub, nurturing, giving etc). You can discuss the duration (quickie vs. marathon), or the use of toys.

You might want to acknowledge what won’t happen, including orgasm, ejaculation, or certain sexual behaviours.

4… Ongoing consent. 

After your erotic discussion, check in during, and after your sexual interaction. Your needs may change, and that’s totally fine. 

You’re queering sex so nothing is assumed, and everything is available to you if you want it to be. Just be sure to communicate it out aloud.